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The stig
Some say….
He drinks a lot of petrol.
He was born in space.
He never blinks.
He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins.
If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down.
He is scared of bells.
He once punched a horse to the ground.
His politics are terrifying.
He lives in a tree.
He likes DragonBoarder.
He was raised by wolves.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
He has no understanding of clouds.
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He is confused by stairs.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
He can “accumbularate”.
He appears on Japanese banknotes.
There’s an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he’d burn for a thousand days.
He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats.
He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater.
He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact.
He is more machine than man.
His heart is in upside down.
His teeth glow in the dark.
His favourite food is raw meat.
He has no age.
He urinates 98 RON petrol
He can smell corners
He likes his eggs sunny side up)
He blinks this way. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands — a reference to Men
in Black)
He has acid for blood.
Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
He has a bionic arm.
He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
He is stumped by clouds.
He has no fear.
His ears aren’t exactly where you would expect them to be.
He once, “preposterously”, had an affair with John Prescott.
He has a digital face.
If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar.
He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
His genitals are on upside down.
If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
His ears have a paisley lining.
He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.
If given an important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet
He invented Branston Pickle.
If you insult his mother, he will headbutt you in the chest
On really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake.
For some reason, he’s allergic to the Dutch.
His fingernails have 330bhp.
His tongue can strip the paint off a Porsche in 30 seconds.
his first name really is “The”.
If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they’d all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
All we know is he’s called THE STIG!
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